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2018 JUL 9 -- Day 89

I am up a bit today over yesterday. I was expecting it as I have been trying to get more water into me to make sure I don't dehydrate myself. I hope I drop a bit again tomorrow, though. I still feel a bit icky. It's not quite as bad today as it was yesterday.

Starting weight: 415 lbs
Current weight: 344.2 lbs ⇧ 
Long-term Goal: 145 lbs
Short-term Goal: 325 lbs

 I have been watching more episodes of Fat Doctor and My 600 Pound Life, and it makes me wonder whether I have a food addiction. I don't think that I do. Or I wonder whether I am emotionally connected to food. Again, I don't think I am, but I am not so sure. I hear the stories from these people, and some it sounds familiar. Then I see how they eat, how much they eat, what they choose to eat, and I'm, like, "oh, no. That's definitely not me. I don't relate."

What I relate to is hiding to eat my food. I'll let my husband see me eat, but letting others see me eat makes me feel very uncomfortable. It feels like I'm being judged. This is especially true when I make choices that are less than healthy.

I used to enjoy eating a burger from a nearby local burger stand. I wouldn't do this often or every day, but when I did, I wouldn't want anyone to see me order it or eat it. It makes me feel like a circus freak when others watch what I'm eating. I feel that they must be thinking that I have no right to eat unhealthy food at my size. It's what I would think about someone my size if I saw them eating that. I'm probably just projecting. I feel like an awful human.

I'm getting a bit better about this now, though. I'm not so embarrassed now to allow others to see me eat something. I know that I'm working on losing this weight, and if I get any guff, I'm simply not going to care. I have made the decision not to care. It will hopefully help me feel a bit more free.

Another thing I can somewhat relate to is that I gained my weight back because "life happened." One person in the show actually said that, and the therapist said that it is emotional eating. I guess I am a bit of an emotional eater, then. I don't know. I don't feel like I need to eat when I am under great stress, so I really don't know for sure.

Not caring what others think is freeing graph:


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