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2018 JUL 16 -- Day 96

I'm down again in weight today from yesterday, but not by much. I wish it were more, but I have to keep reminding myself that any loss is a win, and a gain is not a loss. Dr. Nowzaradan of My 600 Pound Life feels that losing 15 to 20 lbs per month for someone my size is do-able and healthy. That's for someone who has had bypass surgery ,though, so my situation is much different. I still want to lose at that rate, but I'll have to work harder for it.

Starting weight: 401 lbs
Current weight: 343 lbs 
Long-term Goal: 145 lbs
Short-term Goal: 325 lbs

I recall that when I was at my heaviest -- around 425 lbs in my 20s -- I would have done anything to get on a TV show about weight loss and have surgery and be famous and all that. Looking back, though, I'm really glad I never had surgery for weight loss. It was never really an option anyhow, but at that point, I wasn't really ready for the commitment and sacrifice. Not only that, but the surgery wasn't as "safe" as it is now. These days one in five are successful long term, and one in 50 develop serious complications that lead to death. These are better than they were back then, but they are still not great.

I have never had a need for major surgery, and the thought of surgery -- of being put under -- terrifies me to my core. I hope I never have to have surgery. I know that hope will probably be dashed at some point when I'm older, but I'm holding out as long as I am capable of doing so. I don't want to be put under and be cut open and have to undergo recovery and whatnot. It sounds so terrifying to me.

I don't do well with pain, either. One of my other fears s becoming addicted to something. My dad was an alcoholic, for example. I'm fat, so I may have been addicted to food. I really don't know for sure. I don't think I was because I dropped it so easily, but I think about things like this constantly.

I recall one time when I started using hand sanitizer because a friend got it for me in a gift basket for Christmas. I used it daily, and then I started using it several times a day. One day someone handed me some pocket change, and I froze in fear for a couple of seconds. I was afraid of the germs. That's when I threw out the sanitizer and stopped using it altogether. I didn't want to go down that path. I was so scared by that experience because the fear I felt was intense, and I could not control it. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was enough. I don't know if this proves that I might be susceptible to addiction, but I don't want to take the risk.

Spare change is not scary graph:


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