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2018 JUN 20 -- Day 70

I am feeling angry, stressed, emotional, and, discouraged, you name it. I am 360 lbs today. I was at 349 lbs not too long ago. That is an 11-pound gain. How am I gaining weight right now? What is causing it, and how can I stop it? It seems to be water weight, but if it is, why isn't it going away when I fast? That's usually what happened. I fast, and then I drop water almost immediately.

Starting weight: 415 lbs
Current weight: 360 lbs ⇧ 
Long-term Goal: 145 lbs
Short-term Goal: 325 lbs

 How is it possible to eat strictly keto and gain weight? How is it possible to severely restrict caloric intake and gain weight? How is it possible to eat nothing and gain weight? What is wrong with my body? Why can't I just be normal?

I feel so defeated right now. I am struggling so hard emotionally. But the one thing I don't do when I am struggling is eat, but I bet I will still gain more weight anyhow. I really feel as though I am fighting a losing battle right now.

I know what people in the forums will say. They will say throw the scale away. They will tell me to measure my body because I am probably losing inches and losing fat but gaining muscle. They will say that I am retaining water, and water weighs more than muscle, and I need to wait for my whoosh.

I just now had a woosh. I went to the bathroom, and a large volume of water left my body. Guess what. I am 360 lbs after that. I can't imagine what the number was before this whoosh.

I am not going to give up. I can't give up. I am committed to this lifestyle change just because I know that eating the other way -- with less healthy fast food or too many carbohydrates and refined sugars -- is far worse. But I have to say, my situation seems really bleak. It's like being super fat is my destiny.

I am so mad at the women in fat-acceptance YouTube videos. Like they do, I want to be accepted, sure. Like they do, I don't want to be bullied, harassed, or made fun of. But I don't see myself like those women in any other way. I am not the same. They seem to glorify their unhealthy choices and eating habits.

I don't have unhealthy eating habits. I don't have misplaced confidence. I try so hard all the time to lose this weight. I really struggle with this. I don't have cheat days. I am quite strict and conscious of everything I put into my body. I simply fail for no reason that I can fathom. It is certainly not for lack of trying.

I am heartbroken. I can't even really be angry at myself because I feel that I am doing everything right. I guess it's not anger, then. I guess it is hurt, disappointment, discouragement, upset, and deep sadness. I run stress tests in my Samsung health app, and it tells me that I am not stressed, yet I am in tears. If this isn't what stress looks like, then what does it look like?

My husband is asleep right now. I am afraid that he will wake up and catch me crying. I don't want him to see me like this. He is so supportive of me, but if something is upsetting me, he will want to help. The way he helps is to try to remove the things inng that it hurting me. I sincerely appreciate him for how much he cares, but I am not willing to give up on this because of this setback.

As setbacks go, this isn't as bad as it could be. I had regained from 374 lbs last November to 401 lbs in March of this year.  It is June now. In just about 4 months, that is still a net loss of 39 lbs. That is still something to be proud of; right?

I am going to continue with hope, but I am still quite disappointed graph:


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